What's that then?

If you’re here, then you’re either curious, feeling a bit sore, or both. My name is Eoghan. I’m an Amatsu practicioner. Amatsu is the process of me resetting your joints into a healing pattern. Think of it like a factory reset for those parts of you that aren’t working the way they used to. This website is designed to try and help you feel better, and to get to know me before you get in touch. Stress creates cortisol. This makes problems worse. If you are in pain, please get in touch. Amatsu will help you feel better. There are plenty of details about what Amatsu is in the other pages. The gist is if you’re sore or stressed, you come see me, then you’re not sore or stressed anymore. Simple. And all you have to do is slip off your shoes and lie down on the treatment table for an hour.

What's the deal?

Pain is no joke. I would know, I’ve lived with it for a long time. If you’re not in pain though, you can still enjoy the content here. Otherwise, you should really get in touch and discuss what we can do about getting you back to normal.  Like I said earlier, this website is all about trying to make you feel better. If you’ve only got a moment, then I can improve your day with a daft joke. 

The point of this website then (as previously mentioned) is so you can get to know me a bit before you call or text to make an appointment. I think you’ll find I’m about as dangerous as the sharp end of a damp face cloth. My whole schtick is about getting you back to your old self again. I love helping people and animals feel better. Put a wag back in a dog’s tail. That’s a good days work. You can have anything you want in life, but you won’t enjoy any of it without your good health.

Tl;dr: Pain relief from solving problems you might have. Get yourself sorted

Welcome to the bad jokes area

Why were there snakes on the plane? Those were the windscreen vipers!

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elifino!

Why do dogs enjoy sailing? They like the ruff seas!

Why are Sopranos good sailors? They don't mind the high Cs

Which is the snappier dresser: an Alligator or a Crocodile?

Recyling old wristwatch straps to make a belt is a complete waist of time

What's the quickest way to find an eejit? Buy me a mirror

Where do deliquent rainbows go? To Prism!
It gives them a chance to reflect and refocus

What do you call a crocodile with a magnifying glass? An investigator!

What do you call a dog that eats clocks? A WatchDog!
He ruffly knows what time it is

Where do generals keep their armies warm?
Up their sleevies!

(More cheesy lines on the way)
Based on a joke I heard on the internet. It's funnier if you read it in an Irish accent

Home page?! Sure it doesn't even have a kitchen!

Fair play to you for reading down this far. Now let’s get you out of pain. There’s a phone number there in the top bar if you need to call or text me about an appointment. I’ve also got a booking page. And despite this being the home page, you’ll have to actually physically come and see me if you want a cup of tea because websites can’t do that yet. And even if they could, they’d probably put some UHT milk or something in it because they’re soulless robots. If Father Ted taught us anything about life, it’s that UHT milk is sh*te. I had a good chat with a marketing fellow there the other day. Apparently, I need something called a page tile for something else called SEO. Alrighty, I’ll ask chatGPT what those are and get back to you shortly

Check it out, no cookies or ads! and are the same website for all intents and purposes. I don’t know if there’s cookies. There probably are. Sorry about that. Legalese: By using this website you accept cookies. And other forms of nonsense (within reason of course). Honestly, I didn’t want to be annoying you with them either. 

Presume normal boilerplate cookie policy applies. If you ask me that EU law ruined the internet. GDPR got way out of hand. Ads though? Nah, none of them. Sure I couldn’t be bothered maintaining them any more than you could be bothered  clicking on them to generate a pittance to pay the hosting. Let’s just all save a few more moments of precious life. That’s my policy. I’ll go and boil the kettle. Then we’ll get started on the cookies. Or the biscuits as they’re also known. Sure if you play your cards right I might even have a swiss roll. Do let me know if you have any allergies when you get in touch. 

Why am I so special?

That’s a fair question. I was diagnosed with MS in 2009, so I had to figure out a way to help people. Plenty of stories elsewhere on the website about that. But I expect to answer the question I would have to say that I’m the only Amatsu practictioner in the world who can ride a motorbike, operate a longbow, type (about 35 wpm on average), and I’m polyamourous. You might have to look that one up elsewhere. 

Newyouamatsu is completely LGBTQI+ friendly. I’ll do my best to remember your pronouns but I have a bit of memory loss and ADHD so apologies if I forget. My heart is made of butter. This make it easier for me to spread the love around. My DnD alignment is Chaotic Good and I like board games. Oh, and the clinic is solar powered. Only one in the world as far as I know.

Inclusivity means a lot to me. I could talk to you for ages about that one. As far as I’m concerned, if you have limbs, a head and a spine, you’re welcome here. 

AI generated rainbow. Maybe this is what the dog sees?